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I've made lots of changes to www.kamichijackson.com. Be sure to check it out.

Conquering A Few Fears

Just have to write this one other thing.

My self-confidence and self-esteem have taken a brutal beating these past few years. I used to have my hustle on at all times, Diva my way into every room, and maintain a Plan B, C, and D in case A didn't work out. But as I said, Life kinda beat a sista down for a while, to the point where leaving the house--walking out my own front door--has even become difficult (on some days impossible). And being in a crowd--whew, don't even get me started on how intimidating that has become for me as well.

So I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I did on my visit home. I took a cab to Union Station, walked through a gang of people in the terminal, got myself on Amtrak, rode four and a half hours in the enclosed space of the train, walked through the terminal there and made my way out to my friend's car--all without incident. On the way home, I decided to challenge myself further. Rather than take the cab straight from Union Station all the way home to Northern Virginia, I opted to take Metro. Red line to the end of the orange line and then into a cab and home. Me and my bags--in and out of crowds, rushing through one hallway after another, up and down escalators, on/off platforms, standing hanging onto a pole on the metro, mind you, because there wasn't always a seat available. Yea, I had some moments along the way. But I did it! Fully accessorized, rockin' heels, afro-puff in place.

Oh yes, the Diva is back.

Note to self for next time: one bag, NO heels.

Reconnecting With Myself

Can't talk long. I have lots to do today...

Just wanted to make a confession. I almost deleted my meltdown post (the one titled "I'm Not Crazy") because I began to fear that if people read it, they might actually conclude that I am indeed crazy! And then I realized that if I did that, I wouldn't be real to myself or my readers; that I'd be guilty of sweeping a mental health issue under the rug and pretending it didn't exist--the very thing I've always said the entire African-American is so often guilty of.

So I'm leaving the post there.

What I can report is that I did seek the help I needed. From my personal physician, who recommended a counselor/therapist (who I've been seeing for weeks now) and an anti-depressant (I'm on a high dosage of Paxil). The combination of treatments has been more than a little helpful, I'm here to tell you. I feel so much better, words can't explain.

Also helpful was a trip to my hometown in Connecticut. Haven't been home in five years. Went for a week last month and ended up staying three and a half weeks (just got back). I met my old self there, went to the library where my obsessive love for books and writing began (and where I spent literally thousands of hours as a child/teen), and reconnected with the people who have always always loved me and all my ways...no matter what.

Oh, and the fact that the last time they saw me I was 65 pounds heavier made hearing "oh my god, girl you look so good!" over and over and over again that much sweeter. Ha!

Just wanted to post an inspirational prose piece I wrote maybe two-three years ago:


Pain Defeated
by kamichi jackson


We had met before, Pain and I, on more than one occasion. I’d felt him lurking in dark shadows nearby; nearly collided with him as I turned corners that appeared suddenly in my straight, narrow path; seen him staring at me from behind the eyes of ones whose spirits he’d snatched and held captive.

It wasn’t that I’d never felt his touch. Even now I nursed bruises where he’d grabbed me, scars where he’d nicked me, scrapes where he’d caused me to stumble. I wore the wounds of several battles with Pain, but I pressed on as a soldier fighting the finest fight.

And then I’d opened my eyes one morning to find Pain staring down at me from his seat at the edge of my bed. He spoke not a word, but he followed me everywhere that day, looking over my shoulder, whispering in my ear, beckoning to me whenever I turned away. By evening, he’d led me to cold, dark corners of my mind and I found myself settling comfortably there in that space, concealed from those who would guide me back to safe, warm places with the light of their love. They tried to find me but Pain told them I wasn’t with him. They called out to me but I pretended not to hear.

Still they persisted. They wouldn’t leave me there. With gentle whispers they soothed my spirit. With psalms of healing they consoled me. With fervent prayers they oiled my head. With kingdom smiles they shined blinding light into my darkness. Pain became a lesser foe.

They stretched out their hands and pulled me to my feet. Pain called my name, but I ignored him. They embraced me with arms of comfort. Pain grabbed hold of me, but I shook him off. They surrounded me with the strength of an army. Pain looked for me, but I remained hidden. Without my own negativity as its ally, Pain faced defeat and took its leave.

I still see Pain from time to time—lying in wait at a distance; peering from around treacherous corners; reflected in the eyes of those still lost in dark spaces. But I do not rely on my own strength in this struggle, for I walk in step with others who have survived and will continue to survive their battles with Pain—until it is forever defeated.

I'm Not Crazy...

...but I am suffering from Depression. It's the reason I haven't kept up with this blog. It's the reason my literary aspirations have been sidelined. And it's the reason my weight loss has stalled.

I have fallen into the deepest depression I've ever known, and I'm tired. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of feeling physically ill, I'm tired of hiding it from others, I'm tired of trying to pretend it's not happening.

I'm so very, very tired.

When I go to bed at night, I actually pray that I don't wake up the next morning. When I do get up in the morning, I cry because I survived the night. And then I pray again to ask forgiveness for not appreciating this precious gift of Life that has been given to me. My thought process is jumbled and confused, I feel as if I'm in a fog, I'm not functioning well, I go from one emotion to the next and back again within minutes, my sleep pattern is all over the charts, I'm not able to work a 9 to 5 job, and my relationships and finances are suffering for it.

It's like this every single day and it's literally wearing my mind and body out.

It's gotten so bad that I recently decided to seek professional help. I can no longer do this on my own. I can no longer hide my anguish/pain, and I can no longer burden my family with my ever-changing moods. Self-help is fine for some people, but this writer has finally come to accept that additional assistance is required.

It's both embarrassing and humbling to admit this because of the stigma attached to mental health, especially in the black community. But I promised that this blog would be about my personal health and wellness journey, and that journey has taken a sharp left turn down this particular path, so I must follow it until it meets back up with the main road, so to speak. If my honesty about my own mental health helps even one reader with theirs, then putting myself out here like this will be worth it.

I will write as often as I can. I promise that I will try my hardest to push through the Depression as much as possible to report my progress along the way. At times, I may share some of the mental exercises my therapist gives me. In other posts, I may talk about what it feels like to be dependent upon my doctor-prescribed medication. Other times, I may include links to current news about black mental health. And every now and then, I may just post a good old-fashioned vent.

Stay with me on this journey. Tell others to come along. Talk to me, ask me questions. I will do my best to be as open about it as possible. The more we dialog about this problem in our community, the less the stigma of it.

The 50 Million Pound Challenge

Just one quick thing...I've just joined the 50 Million Pound Challenge created by Dr. Ian Smith and sponsored by State Farm. Looking forward to tracking my weight loss along with everyone else who has joined.

The website is www.50millionpounds.com. Check it out, then make the commitment.

Good Health: Wishing Doesn't Make It So...

So I've been avoiding going to the doctor because, honestly, sometimes I just get tired of all the poking, prodding, medicating, et cetera. But it's a good thing I did go because I was informed that my blood pressure is high: 155/111, and that I need to get back on two of my prescribed medications. Not happy about it, but it's necessary, I know. After all, just wishing my health was perfect won't make it happen. I have meds to take, much more weight to lose, continual changes in diet/nutrition to make. This is my life now, and if I want to live it well, I have to do what the doctor says.

That's it for now. I'm a little blue about all this, so I don't have much more to write right now.

Long Time No Type...

So I haven't posted in a very long time. I've been experiencing terrible lows these past few weeks, and haven't been one hundred percent. I won't go into details. Suffice to say that Life (as well as some of the people in it) will sometimes beat you down. It has done just that to me these past few weeks.

Still I press on.

So as for weight loss, I've been holding steady at a 19.3 pound weight loss. Considering that I began this journey on February 12th, I suppose that's not bad. Thing is, I know I can do better. And I intend to do just that.

What has helped, though, is that I walk for about thirty minutes each day. So even when I'm nibbling on things I shouldn't, I believe this bit of exercise has helped offset that. Even when I don't feel like doing it, I have my two-year-old niece tugging on my hand asking to go outside. Thank goodness for her, because if it wasn't for her, I might not take the time to move this big ol' body of mine (smile).

Now, I'm definitely still losing inches and my weight loss is noticeable enough that people continue to comment on it, and I've had to do a little bit of shopping to replace some of the clothes that hang so loosely on me. You've read in an earlier post how I feel about wearing clothes that don't fit (whether they are too loose or two tight). I decided I needed to listen to my own advice so that I can continue to face myself in the mirror, you know?

I guess that's it for the moment. I have a couple of other things to say, but I've got to find the words first and then I'll express myself, trust.

Weigh-In: Monday, March 12, 2007

Okay, well, this post is a couple of days late. I was out of town on business, but I managed to swing by a Weight Watchers in that area for a weigh-in. After all, Monday marked thirty days on this healthy eating path, and I was curious to see what a month's time on the NutriSystem Type II Diabetic Program has done for me.

Well, I was pleased to lose another 1.6 pounds (now I'm at normal weight loss levels). That makes the grand total 14.1 pounds in thirty days. Wayyyyy more than I expected. It's an encouraging start!

Now I have to get serious about exercising if I want to average my two pounds per week from here on out. Have to get my body moving and fit! With the warmer weather making its way here, I'm exploring some outdoor activities that I think might be fun. Haven't been on rollerblades or a bike in years, but I'm considering both, can you believe it?

What's encouraging is that my sister and her family have also begun a healthier way of eating, so there's less takeout coming to the house, which means less temptation for me. And they've got the exercise thing on lock, so they are putting me to shame in that area. I've got to step up my game for real.

That's it for today. I've got lots of other book-related things to get to today. Eat well...

Tips & Tricks: Eat Your Meals At A Slower Pace

My sister told me that she read somewhere that it takes twenty minutes after we've eaten for our stomach to register that it's satisfied. If that's the case, it stands to reason, then, that if we eat at a slower pace rather than wolfing down the food on our plates, we won't spend as much time feeling hungry and won't be tempted to overeat.

So I've gotten in the habit of taking at least twenty minutes to eat my meals. That means savoring the food, taking smaller bites, engaging in more conversation with family members, drinking more water between bites, et cetera. This has really been a help to me. I'm fully content at the end of my meal, and I'm not looking around for more food to satisfy a hunger that really isn't there. Might work for you too.

Weigh-In: Monday, March 5, 2007

Well, it's Monday, so it must be weigh-in time...

My weight loss over the past couple of weeks (which are my first three weeks on-program) have been atypical: 4.0 pounds gone the first week, and 6.5 the second week. Tonight's weight loss was normal: 2.0 pounds, for a total of 12.5 pounds in three weeks. I'm a bit ahead of schedule, since my goal loss per week is only 2.0 pounds. That's a healthy, steady way to go about this, I'm told.

As for last week, well, I splurged a bit on Friday night and had some Egg Foo Yung (sp?). My brother-in-law teased me about going off my diet, and I tried to explain to him as I did in an earlier post that I'm not on a diet. I'm simply eating healthier. The -er on the end of that last word implies that I'm not 100% at this, which allows for the occasional Egg Foo Yung treat.

Anyway, I'm pleased with the 2.0 pound loss, but I still need to be on my game if I want to be successful at this, so I plan to make better food choices for this week!